I was SO nervous, I could hardly sleep. The whole night I was tossing and turning, mentally preparing myself for another disappointment in the morning. It was a few days later than the “suggested window” to test, as I could not bare another false positive. Finally, with the sun peeking through the blinds, it seemed like a reasonable hour to be awake. I snuck out of bed before Nick got up. Without going into too much detail, I unwrapped the last pregnancy test, said a quick prayer to accept whatever the result may be and proceeded to “test”.
I set the stick on the counter. I couldn’t bare to look. For a year I’ve so desperately wanted to see two positive lines, but never did I receive an authentic positive test. I finally got the courage to glance over and there it was TWO, DARK DOUBLE LINES. I could hardly believe my eyes. I held the test up to the light in every angle imaginable just to make sure my eyes weren’t playing tricks. Once confirmed, I ran into the bedroom, jumped on the bed, and shoved the positive pregnancy test in Nick’s face. I could hardly contain my excitement/pure shock. He took the pee-covered stick and hugged me. I just sobbed. It all seemed so surreal. I still, even in my second trimester, am pinching myself that this is happening. That my body is capable of growing a tiny human. That even with everything that could go wrong (so.many.things), somehow, we were able to get pregnant. It’s truly a miracle. Seeing the baby’s heartbeat on the ultrasound screen and the tiny frame of a body developing is unbelievable. Like, how, HOW does everything line up so perfectly that our little baby’s organs are developing seamlessly, the physical features perfectly proportionate, and every finite detail down to the FINGERNAILS are growing. And, growing flawlessly.
The only thing that hasn’t been so flawless is the rush of morning sickness to accompany the good news. Morning sickness has completely kicked my butt. Like violently throwing up and constant nausea for months. I’m late in posting as I just barely (20 weeks) have developed my appetite again and am getting that “rush of energy” google told me I would. Thank goodness for Diclegis, saltine crackers and fruit smoothies. However, I’ve never been so grateful to be so sick. It gave me comfort knowing my body was changing and preparing to be a vessel for something incredible special.
Before I sign off on this post, I just want to add a wave of sentiment that pregnancy posts can/are difficult to read for many. I literally cried for hours trying to post our “pregnancy announcement” to the FB world (ask Nick), because I personally have many, many dear friends close to me that are still in the trenches of infertility. It breaks my heart. I’m well-aware that we are lucky. That a year is not too bad. My heart aches thinking about the lonely journey of infertility. While I’m grateful Clomid+hcg shot worked for us, I know every story is unique.
So to you, still in the trenches, I send my love and support. I wish I could send over a virtual hug to lessen the pain and heartache. Keep braving on. Know there are so many in your circle, cheering you on and loving you along the way — myself included.
June 1st, we’re looking at you!!